Laying down my sword… really????

Laying down my sword and shield, surrendering to “this is his battle not mine”… BIG words and even BIGGER in practice.

I have had those words thrown at me like a person on a spinning wheel with a knife thrower…

Literally, from rehab to back on the streets, to jail, rehab and all the possibilities… within days – not weeks – DAYS.

Each day… every moment… I have to commit and recommit to those words and yet this is my child, my HEART being held in my hands and saying “you are on your own” fly or die.

I am still committed to finding my way, finding my truth, finding me through this experience. To do this I have to be honest with myself and ask myself each moment.. am I disconnecting or am I truly here and present in each moment… am I finding my way in my most authentic self… The fear, shame, joy and all the feels…

Keep asking myself who am I in this moment.

Find my feet, my ass and my heart

Right now my feet are on solid ground, my ass is keeping me grounded and my heart is sad.

In this moment this is what is real and in the next moment that will be what is real.

I love my son in all ways and always.

I love myself in all ways and always (freaking harder than loving the other)

Leaning into the unknown of unconditional love with my son, myself and others is quite the experience…